Sunday, January 01, 2012

news: china to send man to moon. soon: UPA to send 3 men (1 muslim, 1 christian), & 1 woman

dec 31st, 2011 CE

remember, you heard it here first. 

from #allthenewsthatisnotfittoprint

new delhi, dec 31, 2011. prime minister manmohan "first call on india's resources is for muslims" singh announced that india will send a spaceship to the moon. kapil "2G zero loss and internet censor" sibal, the human resources minister, added that while china was only planning to send 1 man, india was much further ahead. india would send not one man, but 3 men and 1 woman. one of the men will be muslim, one will be christian. 

the expenses of the muslim and christian will be borne by rahul gandhi and jayalalithaa respectively, said sibal, as part of their pilgrimage donations for muslims and christians. "the moon is known to be an important pilgrimage site to muslims", explained sibal, and therefore, in view of the upcoming UP elections, rahul gandhi has decided to pay the entire expenses of the muslim cosmonaut. this, sibal hastened to add, would not come of the national budget, but from the money held in foreign accounts by proxies for the nehru dynasty.

as for christians, "the moon is the second holy land, after palestine", declared jayalalithaa. "in view of my government's intention to support christians, we will bear the expenses of the christian cosmonaut, but we insist that he be a tamil". it is rumored that jayalalithaa's first choice was a certain well-known crypto-christian known for his distinctive wardrobe choices, but that his advanced age and decrepitude prevented him from undergoing the training needed. 

it is also rumored that the leading candidates for woman cosmonaut include arundhathi roy, teesta setalvad, shabana azmi, burkha dutt and sagarika ghose. another strong contender, romila thapar, has dropped out of the race in view of ailments related to advanced JNUitis. it is believed that M Teresa is a dark-horse contender, although some say that the fact that she is dead might be a slight disadvantage. the grapevine has it that arundhati, teesta and shabana have trumped burkha and sagarika because sending the former would increase the number of self-confessed muslims and christians sent to the moon by india, while the latter are still in the closet. 

the small print in the announcement said that this would be a one-way trip, noticing which, opposition members of parliament suggested expanding the list of candidates so as to accommodate all of the women contenders mentioned above. manmohan singh responded that he is considering the request, but will await instructions from above.

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